Just keep swimming


16708469_1576617329033792_2028267397151156585_nwake up. work. come home. eat. sleep. wake up. work. come home. eat. sleep. 

maybe a lack thereof with sleep. sleep is for the living and sometimes i’m not so sure i haven’t been dead. 

128 days, 19 hours, 19 minutes, and 25 seconds. i can put a date on my heart stopping. at the very least coming to a pause. the day that the other half of me got on that plane and flew around the to the other side of the world. that day i had to say goodbye to my number one. that day i said goodbye to the person i was. because the old me hasn’t been able to survive.

the old me has gone through the paces, has done what has to be done, has not stopped, has not hid, has not ran away. at least that is what the old me has wanted everyone to see. i know some of you see through it. sometimes i need that. gratification that the effort can be seen on the outside and it wasn’t just in my head. you let me pretend like i am doing a good job of being awake.

the old me has been inside screaming, kicking, crying, stomping her feet. she has wanted to change every decision made the last few years. she has wanted to be mad and blame and point fingers. and at the same time the old me has been weak, lonely, broken, empty. she has been fragile and the heaviness of life has been the cinder block pulling her to the bottom of the ocean. the revolving door of emotions has been almost enough to drive the old me off the edge. i know some of you have seen that too. that you see me as sad. i also know that the old me has lied about just how bad it has been. that the old me has been burning from inside out.

but they say nothing lasts forever. that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. we will see about that.

13 days, 19 hours, 24 minutes, 14 seconds. i can put a date on when i started to see the light again. the date that the new me started to come out of the ashes.

the new me sees. sees what she can be, where she wants to be, who she can become. she sees the end of hardships to pass. she sees where her efforts can take her and what she is capable of. she sees life.

the new me doesn’t just move through the paces. she makes choices, changes, and finds ways to bring happiness into her life. she still hurts. but the new me can push through and can gain momentum. she can respect the burn without letting it consume her. she takes the small steps to reach the big ones without letting the small steps and slow progress break her stride. the new me knows that each and every choice to be better, to feel better and not only survive but thrive is what i deserve. this new me has learned how to strong on her own and not only with her other half.

each day brings him closer. emotionally distance has brought us together even more. closer now than ever. there is not a doubt he is my forever. not that there ever was. he will come home and smile because this new me can hold her own. bring more to the table. make us a stronger pair.

this is the start, the small snowball that can grow and gain. what i can become.

gaining momentum into this new chapter of life.

everyone has to start somewhere, right?

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